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[05 Nov 2009|01:00pm] |
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I'm trying really hard to keep it together. I'm admiring the colors of the leaves, the color of the sky, everything beautiful I can lay my eyes on. I'm trying to forgive and gradually forget. Of course there will always be a bit of hope there, but I can't hang onto that for the rest of my life.
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[03 Nov 2009|12:22pm] |
I'm having such a hard time with living right now. Not like I'm suicidal, but I'm definitely struggling to stay focused and positive. Waking up early and feeling sick and not being able to go back to sleep is taking its toll on me, and today during family relationships i started crying because we were going over families and it reminded me how old my parents are and how they are the only people i have in my life. i don't know what i'd do without them. i have no significant other and my sister is in another state, and friends aren't as close as you think they are. i am alone and that's the way it is. i promise i won't commit suicide until after they die, and that's only if i have no connections left here on earth.
i'm having trouble being by myself because i feel like i'm wasting time. i feel bad watching tv, surfing the net, and taking naps. i feel like i should be out there doing something. i want to be surrounded by people so i'm not left to just think and be unhappy. maybe that's why stephen chose to have an outgoing younger gf, to distract him from himself.
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| October used to be my favorite month of the year. |
[25 Oct 2009|02:31pm] |
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However, it is not anymore. For one reason or another (and yes, there are quite a few), I hadn't noticed that it was actually October until now. Perhaps the changing of the leaves helped to jog my memory. So much for enjoying your favorite month out of the year.
This past weekend my parents came down to visit me. I've felt so crappy lately (oh, for about a month or so) that I wasn't a very good host. I knew this when it was happening too, and I feel terrible about it because they took time out of their schedules to come visit me. I know I haven't been very good to them lately. I haven't been good to myself lately either. Hugging them and seeing them drive off was especially difficult for me, because I feel as though they are the only people in the world who truly appreciate who I am (and I cant help but think it's only because I'm of their blood). They give so much to me and I return so little.
It's so hard to be positive all the time. I usually consider myself to be a realist but I'm always hoping that the outcome of everything is good. So maybe I'm just an optimistic realist? Whatever. This past month has been so hard for me to get through. I have never felt so low in my entire life. Of course, my existential crisis has come back full blown and I'm questioning things right and left. I'm sick of not knowing what I'm going to do after I graduate. I don't even know what I'm going to be doing before I graduate. I like going with the flow and stuff, but having all these questions and not getting any answers is literally driving me towards the crazy side of life.
I wish I could just go out and take a walk by myself like I used to enjoy, but then I ask, "Why, what's the point?" What's the point indeed? I used to like being alone but now I can't stand it. I need things to be happening, I need people to be talking.
I've been telling myself sweet little lies to get through this low point but I'm not sure if it's working. I don't belong anywhere and with anyone. I'm tired of the human condition and I'm tired of being unhappy.
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[22 Oct 2009|06:26pm] |
So I'm back at Tech after spending Monday- today at home. No diagnosis. I hope whatever I have resolves itself soon because I've already lost 8 pounds in 3 weeks and I'm almost spent with this lack of energy.
The ride here was really good-- there were a lot of good songs being played on the radio.
I need to think of things that make me happy, and focus on them.
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[15 Oct 2009|09:18am] |
whenever i think i'm okay i think of it all and just get sick. i went to schiffert for the 3rd time this semester (and here i thought i was doing so well!) and got some anti-nausea pills. i desperately needed them. i wasn't able to eat for over a week and grew weak and tired as a result. last night i spent the afternoon/night at lea's and i'm glad i have at least some place to go to escape.
i just have to accept that this is my life now and get on with living it. some of my classmates talked to me in abnormal psych and it really made my day. that's really pathetic, but oh well.
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[06 Oct 2009|11:34am] |
gonna be a gooood day.
i don't have to go to court tomorrow woohoo.
gonna see zombieland by myself tonight around dinnertime.
no homework/tests this week.
goin home on thurs.
what's not to be happy about?
 
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[01 Oct 2009|10:08pm] |
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i dont get it. pirate just texted me and told me that he didn't want to be more than friends with me. i dont think i can do this anymore... i just. it never seemed like the right time and i didnt want to confuse him. and he was always touchy feely so i didnt think anything of it when he tried to touch me because he has always been that way. i can't believe he'd do this to me. i guess this is what heartbreak feels like. too bad i wasn't good enough. i deleted him from fb and i deleted his number from my phone. i need a clean break for my sake. it won't help that i think of him all the time though. i really wish i had never met him. fuck.
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[29 Sep 2009|06:05pm] |
I skipped my first class cause I was too tired to get outta bed. My b.
I'm just so sick of everything. I've never felt this fed up with everything in my entire life! I am so restless and I don't know what to do about it! I don't know how I feel about certain people, my friends, my family, everything. I miss my family a whole lot. I guess having so many health scares in week takes its toll on one's psyche. I just want to be held and be reassured that everything will turn out alright, even though it won't. I think I need a good, long cry.
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[21 Sep 2009|05:11pm] |
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I gots bronchitis. Fun shit is happenin in my bod.
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[21 Sep 2009|11:51am] |
I just realized I've been sick for two weeks exactly. Not a good feeling, I might add. Last night I felt nauseous and threw up whenever I drank water or tried to eat some grapes. So pretty much I was starving to death all night. I'm surprised I even went to sleep. I made an appointment with Schiffert again at 3 for today. I'm gonna ask them for some pain meds for my rib because that shit hurts like hell.
I'm sorta surprised I haven't skipped any classes yet this semester (except the ones I did for court and for my doc appt). I thought since I'd have even less structure this year since I'm living off-campus that I wouldn't have the motivation to go all the time. I think I don't because I feel guilty and bad when I do and I don't have any reason to anyway.
I got a new pair of jeans yesterday- skinny destroyed from AE. 00. who is a double zero anymore? Oh wait, I am. I want to start running again but I have to wait until I recover health-wise.
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[20 Sep 2009|09:35am] |
I've decided I'm not going to wait around and wait for good things to happen. I either make these things happen or they won't happen at all. I don't want to rely on others for my happiness, because that's a recipe for disaster and disappointment.
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[18 Sep 2009|07:54pm] |
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Went to the doctor's today. Apparently I bruised my cartilage in my ribs. Just gave me cough medicines and let me be on my way. This weekend is gonna fucking suck. The highlight is watching tv alone in my room. Go figure.
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[17 Sep 2009|12:21pm] |
I'm sitting in Greek class before it starts in eight minutes. Last night I went to watch a World Regions movie with P and it wasn't that bad except I coughed all the freakin time and it got annoying very quickly. Then afterwards I finally got to see his apartment which was cool. It's such a guy's place though ahaha. I wanted to hang out with Lea tonight but she doesn't get home until 9 because she has to teach swim lessons. Why are children swimming that late? My bedtime was 8:30 until I was in middle school! I had like 4 shots last night and didn't feel anything except I was a bit more giggly than usual.
Oh yeahhhh a couple days ago a JHU student at 310 killed an intruder with a SAMURAI SWORD?!?!?! Everything interesting and exciting in Baltimore happens when I'm not there grrrrrr.
It's supposed to rain today but it hasn't yet so I've been carrying an umbrella around alll dayyyy longggg.
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[15 Sep 2009|11:49am] |
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I had such high hopes for us.
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[06 Sep 2009|08:07pm] |
I'm going to sound like a whiny bitch, but I feel really blah and alone and I really don't want to feel this way. I'm starting my third week at school and life's already become a monotony. Fuck I want my vodka. And I'd like a best friend, or anyone I can really talk to whenever I want.
I'm not exactly sure if I'm picking the right major because everyday I sit in class and think, this stuff is really boring. I also have to go to grad school and more school is just not on my list to do right now or in the near future. If I could just be given an island to live on and cultivate, I'd be happy, I think.
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[06 Sep 2009|11:22am] |
last night my car was towed from hunter's ridge. i'm fucking pissed.
we lost 24-34 to alabama last night and that was a bummer.
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[04 Aug 2009|09:24pm] |
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i ran out of cymbalta a couple days ago so i called my doc for a refill. she hasn't done it yet, so i'm having serious withdrawal effects. and now i'm back to alternating between being pissed and crying. i fucking hate this. i think i might get drunk tonight, cause there is nothing to do, and i don't fucking care anymore, about anything.
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[25 Jun 2009|11:34pm] |
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Michael Jackson died today. RIP.
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[20 Jun 2009|10:30pm] |
last night everyone headed over to brynn's for a scavenger hunt. i am sooo so glad i went. this is the list of things we had to photograph/find (or the things i can remember):
swing naked on a swing
be inside a refrigerated glass case
aisle 7 of a supermarket
climbing a ladder
next to a pool
roadkill
someone with nipple piercings
draw a line down the middle of someone's bald head
make a human pyramid (with 4 people at the bottom)
a turd on the sidewalk
a garden gnome
tulips
handful of pine needles
on the roof of a car
a baltimore believe sticker
a utah license plate
a keg stand
a picture of a thing that the person didn't know was showing
a mom tattoo
within a minivan
and i can't remember the rest. but it was awesome. i was on connolly's, ang's and tumble's team and we should've won but whatever it was a blast all the same.
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[08 Jun 2009|11:11pm] |
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So I spent Friday through Monday down in VA with Leaona and her family. I had such a great time. I chased around her little cousins, jumped on a trampoline for the first time, smoked hookah for the first time, and hung out with her family at Christian's graduation and party afterwards. It was a good weekend and I thoroughly enjoyed myself! I made it home in a record 4 hours! I was gong about 80 mph the entire way back and I still have 1/2 a tank of gas left in the Honda. I tried getting away for a while by just laying on the trampoline but then Lea and Josh came over and started messing around on it so I started jumping on it and made them bounce around. Seeing them all loveydovey made me feel really lonely.
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